M I A

Dear Bex,

Mommy's been insanely busy, baby girl! There is a lot going on right now, and for the past two months or so  I've been doing some pretty exciting stuff in my free time, time that used to go towards writing on this blog for you!

Because of that, I've missed recaps of pretty awesome things- like Georgia. (A HUGE awesome thing! It was an amazing week of family time, for both the three of us and the twenty-three of us!) Like the Jewish holidays. (In temple, while adorably sitting on a chair listening to the shofar and the rabbi and the Hebrew and the songs, you asked "maybe a new song?") And, most recently, the less-awesome Hurricane Sandy.  I will recap these all soon - with pictures! - but in the meantime wanted to write to say how much I love you.

You are the best part of my days - the time we spend together in the morning, as we chat and you drink your milkies and watch Sesame and I get ready for work is the best way to start a day ever.  You are always quick to tell me what you dreamt about (Thomas! Percy! James!) and what you want to do that day (get a haircut? Go to the dentist? Go to Mimi's house?) and how cute Daddy is.  (Daddy is sooooo cah-yute!)

The time we spend together at night is also amazing - I walk in the door and you shout, "Mommy mommy mommy!" and come running, say "Night night D" and ask to read books, or (with a devilish grin) play "Wif da iPayyyyyad?" and we hang out for the next hour or so, until it's time for more milkies and bedtime. By that point The Daddy is usually home, and he takes over for the best part of HIS day - putting you to bed.  You two have games, rituals and the most amazing bond because of him putting you to bed, and I love listening from outside your door to your laughter and conversations during that time.

You've started a few funny things all on your own - first, you talk with a funny, deeper voice, saying, "Hoy Mawmaw..." which just happened one day! It was hilarious! You do it to The Daddy and Dina too - I love it.  You also started repeating names - "Hi Mamamama!" "Hi DaddyDaddy!" and we respond, "Hi BeccaBecca" and you smile - like a little game you made up all on your own.  You have started memorizing books, and can recite most of Go Train, Go!, the little Thomas board book that I got you.

The best of your new tricks, though, is answering - much like you do for animal noises - what people say.

• What does Grandpa/Grumpa/Herbie say? "Hi Rivka!"
• What does Grandma say? "Hi Princess!"
• What does Mimi say? "Oof" or "Whoop de doo!"
• What does PopPop say? "Bow bow."
• What does Amanda say? "Hi Rebecky"
• What does Ryan say? "Aaaah!" (read: very high pitch screech)
• What does Mommy say? "Hi Loveygirl"
• What does The Daddy say? "You're such a stinker!!!"

I love this age - you are a complete sponge, remembering everything we do or say, or that happens to you, and spitting it back out at us hours, days or weeks later.  We went pumpkin picking with Max and Lilly Silberman (and their parents) in October, and at lunch afterwards Maxie took his shirt off in the restaurant.  You laughed about it then, and we told you he was soooo silly!  And since then, you randomly look at us, laugh and say, "Maxie took he shirt off in da restaurant! He soooooo silly!"  

I love how much you are learning - toys that I thought would be too advanced for you for a long time you now conquer with ease - you love reading books still, though you definitely have a few favorites that we cycle through, and STRONG opinions on what you DON'T want to read, and have a favorite magazine (Everyday with Rachael Ray) that you ask us to read all time time, finding pictures of your favorite things inside, like the Scrubbing Bubbles ad (Scrubby Bubbles!), the picture of Duff the chef from Ace of Cakes (Naked baby! - no idea why), and the boy eating from a pouch in the Lunchables ad. 

When I wrote in August I talked about you finishing song lyrics for me, and how that blew my mind.  Now, you sing songs on your own - and the first time you sang Moon, Moon, Moon on the street while walking with The Daddy and I, I cried remembering you as a tiny, eight-week-old blob in yoga class as they ended the session with that song.  You have grown up SO much, and I can not believe that in just a couple of months you'll be 2 - it's going too fast, just like everyone said it would, and I wish I could hit the pause button right here for a while, because it is just too much fun.

I love you, Baby Girl!

Love,

Mommy 

Tiger Mother

Dear Bex,

There has been a lot of talk recently about a book called, "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother."  In it, the author details the strict way in which she was brought up.  Well, I am no Tiger Mother, baby girl - I'm Mush Mama.  One whimper from you, or big fat alligator tear that you can summon at a moment's notice or request, and I am  a puddle.  I frequently am using all of my willpower not to give in to your every whim!

However, as soon as you are in any type of discomfort or harm, I am the fiercest Tiger Mother there is.  Right now you have coxsackie virus (GREAT timing, by the way, as we leave for our annual trip to Georgia in two days!) and are extremely fussy and particular.  Eating and drinking don't appeal to you much because you have sores in your throat, and the pain is also making it somewhat hard to sleep, I think, since you fully had dark circles under your eyes just now before I put you down.  I want to shield and protect you with a ferociousness that I have never known - from germs that make you sick and uncomfortable, from physical and emotional pain, and from people like the woman I just spoke to on the phone.

Apparently, her grandchild had the same RadioFlyer Tricycle that Nicole bought you for your first birthday, and it was stolen from the playground near us.  She decided to confront Dina about having stolen it.  I am horrified to think about how Dina must have felt, and upset that you were there to even hear any of this, baby love.  I called the woman, Tiger Mother claws out, and explained exactly where and when we got the tricycle and that she was completely mistaken.  She was standoffish but apologized for the confusion, and now, twenty minutes after speaking to her, I'm still fuming.  I wish I had told her how much she scared Dina, how much she seems ridiculous in the first place for thinking that whoever did steal her tricycle would bring it back to that same playground, and offered to email her the receipt from Nicole to prove that it's ours.

Like I said - I want to protect you, and anything or anyone having to do with you, with a wicked ferocity.  And that's the kind of Tiger Mother I am proud to be.  The strict one? I'll have to work on my willpower against your insanely adorable charms... someday...

I love you, baby girl!

Love,
Mommy

Happy Birthday To You, Bex (Six months late)

Dear Bex,

I never did get around to your birthday post.  As I've mentioned, it's been a bit crazy around here! So I'll just say a few things, and then let the party pictures by Glen and PopPop speak for themselves:

• I planned your party for months - anxiety-fueled months about venues, entertainment, food, favors and guest lists - and it could not have turned out any more perfect. Except...
• The only thing I never had anxiety about, or even really considered, was the weather.  It only snowed - literally - twice this entire winter.  Once for a huge blizzard in October that confused everyone, and once on YOUR first birthday.  This meant many people who we wanted to be there were unable to travel in to celebrate with us - meaning tons of leftover room in the venue, food and favors from our now smaller guest list!

• You napped 364 days in a row at the exact same time - except this day.  You stayed up through your morning nap, and we had no choice but to let you power through to your 11 AM birthday party (planned for 11-2 because - YOU ALWAYS SLEEP BEFORE AND AFTER THAT!)

• All around though, we had an awesome day - you were adorable, loved your puppet show with the folks from Puppetonia, had tons of friends and family there including Dina, and had a blast.  And then afterwards, all of our family members came back to our house for your baby naming, done by the rabbi from the United Synagogue of Hoboken.  He did a great job, and The Daddy and I spoke about why we named you Rebecca Ellie, AKA Rivka Esther, and it was touching and lovely.  Then you devoured cake for the first time, and loved that too. 

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Dear Bex,

My amazing, inquisitive, bright, hilarious, impatient, defiant, gorgeous and sweet 1 1/2 year old girl - today is a landmark occasion in your (also amazing, inquisitive, bright, hilarious, impatient, defiant, gorgeous and sweet) mama's life.  Yesterday morning I took my last dose of medication to treat the postpartum depression that clouded the first weeks of your life.

The dark days  are still unbelievably sharp in my mind, and I unconsciously recall them often as I shake my head and wonder how those feelings are possible.  During those days, and even on some after I felt better, I was content to let others do the "work" of tending to you.  To change your diapers, feed you, even play with you - it was impossible to summon the strength, smiles and energy necessary to do it myself.  

For the past two nights, I had to stay in the city after work and didn't get to snuggle with you. And I ached to be here tonight, and looked forward to the all too quick hour after I get home from work when we  play, dance, read and sing together.  That feeling - to want to be the one to do the "work" - is one that I could not have fathomed feeling 18 months ago.

So this morning I woke up, and didn't take any medication for the first time in a year and a half. I feel amazing. I feel like me - and like the mother I always knew I would be.  I raced home to be with you tonight, and you raced to meet me at the door when I got here, yelling "hiiiiiiiii Mama!"  I sat talking with Dina about how hyper you were all day, and then you and I sat and read about twelve books before The Dada got home, at which point you told him to put on a shirt (you say this to him every night when he gets home, we think because he always changes first thing, but it is amazing nonetheless) and he sat and read with us too.  Then he had to go out, and I got to put you to bed all by myself (this is one of The Dada's favorite tasks and times with you, along with being able to be the one to get you in the morning, so I treasure the times I get to do this!)

We put on your pajamas, and brushed your teeth, and said good night to all the animals, and you asked if we could sing.  This is a newer thing with you, the desire to sing songs with us and have us sing for you.  I love letting you finish the lines of songs, and love even more when you belt out and sing entire songs to us, like Twinkle Twinkle, ABCs or My Bonnie.

As we sat in your glider, you snuggled into my chest sucking your thumb and waiting for me to begin, I was filled with ease, and awe at the love that I felt for you.  The feeling overwhelms me often, and can bring me to (happy!) tears in an instant.  But I stayed strong, and sang "The Love of My Life," the song that most reminds me of my happy pregnancy, and the relative calm of the hospital before the storm that followed, for me.  I sang about half of the song and stopped for some reason, when you looked up at me and said, "My yife?"  I was floored - I asked if you wanted me to keep singing Love of My Life, and you said yes, and when I got to the line "You're the love of my..." I stopped, and you took your thumb out and finished, "yife." and I bawled, while still somehow getting through the rest of the verse (with a little help from you). 

Moments like that take my breath away, and are ones I will always cherish - and this one, on this day - to know that I am back to ME, and you are the amazing you that you are - I can't even explain to you how much that meant to me.

You continue to surprise me with your wit, charm and intelligence, and are slowly but surely becoming a more feisty, opinionated and strong girl.  It is amazing to watch, even more amazing to experience, and the most amazing to feel.  

I am so grateful for the help I was able to get when I needed it - for the therapist I found to talk to, for the family that helped us all, for The Dada who blew away any expectations I had of him as a father, and even for the medication that brought me out of the darkness and back towards the light. But while I have been coming through that tunnel of darkness, I still haven't felt 100% like myself.  I have been close, but not totally me, until today.

I am beyond ecstatic to finally be basking in the light at the end of the tunnel.

I love you, more than you can ever know, baby girl!

Love, 

Mommy

Summertime!

Dear Bex,

Ah, yes, another two month lag.  I have to get back to shorter posts more often so that I don't get too backed up with memories!!

The past two months have been - in one word - incredible.  You are a child - not a baby - in every sense.  You talk to us constantly, way more than any of your friends.  You say hi to everything you see, ask about things around you, and you know exactly what it is you want at any given time, down to the exact book you would like to read (usually Mimi's Day or What I Like, which you call, "I Yike?"), or where you would like to drink your milk (cousssh?).

You are a daredevil, and love being swung higher on the swings than I would prefer, and being thrown in the air more than I'd prefer!  You had an amazing time on Father's Day at Lulu's house, when they set up their mini rollercoaster in the driveway.  You asked to go on it again and again, speeding over the bump and down  the rest of their driveway while giggling the entire way! It was so much fun to watch - and I look forward to watching you and The Daddy on real rollercoasters together one day (from the ground!!).

You have been amazing about learning to swim this summer, something that The Daddy and I are so relieved about.  We wanted you to be comfortable in the water, and signed you up for swim lessons to make sure that you would have the chance to get in a pool a few times this summer, not knowing when else we'd get you in before Georgia.  Well, little did we know, we've been in TONS of pools this summer - and luckily you took those lessons, because you love it!  We've been to the pool with Grandma and Grumpa (oh, excuse me, you're calling him Herbie these days, just like Grandma does!), and in Florida at Uncle Jay and Aunt Beth's, and at Lulu and Jason's pool club with Amanda and RyRy, and even went out to NayNay's parents' pool during a brutal heat wave after July 4th!  Every time you see a "simming cool" you get so excited.  You ask for your swimmy diaper (Dora diaps???) and your bathing suit (baby soooot?) and even your suntan lotion (yotiony baby?)!  Once you're set, you're all about walking right in - no adjustment time on the steps needed.  You're not in love with us dunking you, but you deal pretty well, and you love climbing the ladders and playing on the steps. I love watching you in the pool, and seeing how much fun you have splashing around.

This summer has meant lots of little trips to places like Philadelphia and Sesame Place, and Mimi and PopPop's and Grandma and Herbie's, and each time we (well, I guess it's really I) pack tons of toys and books and food and changes of clothes in case you are bored or upset or spit up like you used to.  But each time I come back with toys, books and changes of clothes that never made it out of the bag, because you are so happy and content wherever we go.  You go with the flow, eat when it's time to eat, sleep in cribs with your lovies surrounding you, and you just ARE.  It is so much fun, Baby Girl, and I love this time of your life.

I love when you repeat any and everything we say like a little parrot (yes, even the bad words.  The "oh $hit" when I splashed water in your eye while in the tub is my favorite to date).  I love when you laugh at something that happens, whether on TV, or that The Daddy or I did or said, or even yesterday when we were looking out our living room window (a favorite pastime of yours, as you stand on the ledge and look out at the driveway, street and front yard below us) and two small dogs were play fighting with each other.  I love when you say a word, we repeat it as a question to confirm we indeed understand what you want, and you say, "OK!" like we just came up with the best idea ever.  I love when you carry around a spoon and say that you just made soup and offer us bites, and your babies bites, and all of your stuffed animals bites.  I love when you sing the ABC's, or count to ten (in English or Spanish!), or sing Twinkle Twinkle with me, filling in the letters and words that you know.

I know this phase is probably short-lived, and you'll keep growing and changing and surprising us with new, fun and exciting phases in the years to come, but I can't imagine loving you more than I do right now.  My eyes well up constantly as I think about things that you say and do, and each night after one of us puts you to bed, we come out of your room, look at the other and frown.  It took me a while to realize what that was - if it was that we were sad you were not able to hang out with us longer that day, or that you're growing up, or that you were sad about going to sleep - but I realized that it's sadness that another day with you is over, and that we'll never get that time back.

We both love you so much, Baby Girl.

Love always,
Mommy