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Dear Bex,

Another lag, but this time no excuses, just... typing on!  You, my lovey girl, have been sick on and off for months, almost since your birthday. After the ear infections there was a cold with a nasty cough or two, and now you have allergies that are just horrendous.  A constant drippy nose, sneezes and a rattling cough that sadly wakes you up most nights. We've spent lots of time cuddling on your chair in the middle of the night (though you mostly just like to snuggle until you calm down, and then get back in your crib.  You LOVE your crib - your haven - which is now filled to the brim with lovies, stuffed animals, a small blanket and three pillow-type toys.  Even if you don't nap, you happily laze about in there for an hour or so, talking to all of your friends, making them dance and sing, kicking your legs around, letting yourself free fall onto your mattress and just generally having a blast!).  Hopefully we're on the upswing, but only time will tell...

You're growing by leaps and bounds these days- both your long legs and your maturity!  Though there are blasts of two-year-old immaturity that come blowing in like a tornado every now and then, you are very much a little kid now.  You tell me stories about what you did each day with Dina, and you ask expectantly in the morning about what you'll do in the hours to come - who will we see? Where will we go?  And you get so excited about plans for playdates, birthday parties and visits to see people all around us.  You now understand that there are Dina Days (M-Th), Mommy Days (F) and Mommy/Daddy Days (Sat and Sun), and love each for different reasons.

A typical Mommy Day - lunch at City Bistro...

And a trip to the playroom and the ball pit!

You cheer us on when we do something well just as we do to you, and ask to see our empty plates, sparkly teeth and flushed potties and clap for us every time.  You sing songs, do joga (yes, you say JOGA) and ballet and are starting a painting class next week - here's hoping you learn to stop eating the paint over the next two months).

You love all of your friends - your weekday friends around our neighborhood, your cousins, and the children of Mommy and Daddy's friend with whom we coordinate playdates all the time.

And you LOVE eating out at restaurants. You've become a pro, and order for yourself and then sit waiting patiently for your food, until you are really hungry and say, "I think it's coming!!" every time you see a waiter, waitress or busboy pass us by.  You eat by yourself most of the time with a fork or a spoon, and when you are hungry, LOOK OUT!  You hoover bowls full of pasta and french fries with reckless abandon!  You're pickier in your day to day foods, and I think are somewhat bored with what we feed you but also wary of trying new things, leaving us in a bit of a bind.  But luckily there are a few things we can rely on to ensure you're always full and (mostly healthily) nourished.

At the Liberty Science Center's Curious George Exhibit

We are having so much fun with you right now, Bex.  You are hilarious, constantly making up songs and voices for your different stuffed animals and lovies, and laughing at things around you.  You are sweet, feisty, gentle, tough, dependent and independent all at the same time.  You have learned that The Daddy and I are your family, and love doing things all together - jumping at the same time, eating meals at the same time, hugging as a Family Hug and last night, a big group kiss that you made us repeat over and over.

You are the best part of our days, even when you're not at your best.

I love you, baby girl!

Love,
Mommy

Warrior Mom.

Dear Bex,

Two years later, I still think about the PPD that I had.  Not in a bad way, or a scared way, or an ashamed way, or even a guilty way (not anymore, at least.) - sometimes I marvel at how thoroughly it affected who I was, to the core.  Sometimes I compare how I am now to how I was then.  Sometimes I think about the future, and when it comes time to have a baby brother or sister for you, and how scared I am that it will happen again (though my therapist, who I still see consistently, is going to work very hard to ensure that it doesnt!) but excited at the prospect of 'being there' for the newborn stage this time.  Sometimes I just try to remember certain things about your first few months and can't and am disappointed.  And most of the time, it's because a friend or acquaintance has a baby or announces a pregnancy, and I'm hyper-sensitive to how they may be feeling.  And a little bit jealous of how together they seem.

As part of therapy, my doctor asked me about six weeks or so ago if I thought my having PPD had affected you, or our relationship.  And I instantly, without pause and with conviction, said not at all.  She was so proud, and happy, and told me to write that down - and to write down my feelings about how saying that felt.  I will use this as a feel-good thing to read if I ever doubt myself, or feel some depression creeping in on me in the future. I will use it in my next pregnancy, whenever that may be.  And I know that it is true.

I am a great mother.  I am the kind of mother that I always knew I would be... and the kind of mother I longed to be when Rebecca was born.  It has taken almost two years to be able to say, and to believe, that what happened to me has in no way affected my relationship with my loveygirl.  She is amazing, hilarious, healthy and brilliant.  Those first weeks and months of her life have not impacted who she is or our bond as mother and daughter.  In fact, she has no idea that they even happened.  I do not feel guilty. What I went through has NOT had endless negative repercussions, which at that time would have been impossible to fathom.  In fact, what has come out of it, these years later, is positive.  It is an overwhelming appreciation for being ME.  It is loving (almost) every second of being a great mother to the most incredible child. It is knowledge and a desire to help other people.  It is (ed. note - or will be!) PregoPals.

Today I also read this, which filled me with pride and spoke to me in a way that few things have before.  I am proud to be a Warrior Mom, and part of this community. And I hope to be more involved in it in the years to come.

So just know, Bex, that you are the best thing that has ever happened to me.  You being born made me who I am today, and I am more in love with, and confident in, myself than ever before.  So thank you.

I love you so much, baby girl.

Love,
Mommy

Singing Bex

Dear Bex,

I've mentioned here before how much I love you singing... here are a few videos of your adorable, amazing, perfect little voice...

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star

The way you cup my face here and sing to me? MUSH.

Your adlibbing here of a song that means so much to me from when you were a baby? Amazing.

Sesame Street Theme Song (and Dance)

SuperWhy Theme Song:

The Balloon.

To My Loveygirl on Her 2nd Birthday

Dear Bex,

Yesterday you turned two years old.  Two years old!  An official toddler and little girl, versus the baby who was just a one-year-old days ago.  The time has flown, proving the cliche to be true - it just goes too quickly.  Granted there are many times, like when we're sleeping on your floor, or you won't stop your tantrum, that the time crawls by - but for the most part, each day and special moment together just disappears too quickly.

Luckily your birthday fell on MLK Day, so I was able to spend the whole day home from work and with you.  We played with lots of new toys from your birthday party the day before, watched your favorite shows on TV, played outside and had a playdate with some of your friends.  After your nap the Daddy took you to the doctor to confirm the double ear infection we suspected.  But even through that visit and afterwards, you were a happy girl.  After dinner The Daddy and I sang happy birthday to you again, and lit candles in a cupcake that we let you devour, and you loved it.  It was all around a great day with my cuddly girl, who sat in my lap after dinner with her milk to watch Dora the Explorer.  My happy girl who cracked up laughing when I made her lamby lovey "baaaaa" at her and sneak up to give her kisses.  My smart girl who chattered away all day, correctly naming the Thomas trains that you now have.  The cutest girl who I swear, looked just a little bit older and acted just a little (tiny) bit more mature.

Your birthday party on Sunday was a huge success.  I had been thinking about it and planning it for months- I start way too early and do way too much - but I can't help it. I just want it to be the perfect day for you and all of our family and friends - and it was!

It was (of course) Thomas themed.  We had Thomas balloons, books, toys and decoration, all of which delighted you. (Even just this morning you looked around our apartment and said, "Ooooh! So many Thomas balloons!")  We had a musician come and play guitar which was great, and you and all of your friends had a blast dancing and playing with the toys she brought with her. We had tons of food - and I made cupcakes and cookies for you, and so did Grandma and Aunt Judy.  It all could not have gone better!

Everyone was able to make it (all said and done, there were about 70 people there) and you got amazing toys, books and clothes as gifts from them.  You held yourself together the whole time, despite a bit of crankiness in the very beginning and once you were over it after opening gifts. A good nap and a good dose of Tylenol upon your demonic wake-up from said nap, and you loved having Grandma, Grumpa, Mimi, PopPop, Uncle Jay, Aunt Beth, Logi and Uncle Eric over to play.

But the best part of the day? Once everyone was gone.  Just you, The Daddy and I, laughing together, giving you dinner, playing with you and hanging out. I love our little family, and most of all, love you.

Love always,
Mommy