For the Daddy

Dear Bex,

OK, so writing about "The Dark Days" made me think about just how amazing The Daddy was during that time. Everything that I was unable to give you, he could.  He had patience, he was overflowing with love, and was incredible with you.  He was in such a tough position, having to take care of you and me at the same time, and deal with one of the busiest times he ever had at work - and he was a rock star.  I always knew that he'd be an amazing husband and daddy, and that whatever facade he put on about being a tough guy was just that - but those Dark Days proved that even my own inkling of how he would be was a complete underestimation.

We used to send each other lyrics all the time when we were dating.  They would describe our relationship and the love we had for each other, and they talked of helping each other through dark times.  We had some of what we thought were tough times before - deaths in the family, time apart, etc. But the Dark Days put everything in perspective, at least for me, and I mean these lyrics 100,000,000 times more now.

"Steady As We Go"

Dave Matthews Band 

I walk half way around the world,
Just to sit down by your side.
And I would do most anything girl,
To be the apple of your eye.

Troubles they may come and go,
But good times they are the gold.
And if this road gets rocky girl,
Just steady as we go.

Any place you wanna go,
Know I'll be next to you.
If it's treasure baby you're looking for,
I'll search the whole world through.

Know troubles they may come and go,
But good times they're the gold.
So if the road gets rocky girl,
Just steady as we go.

When the storm comes,
You shelter me.
And I don't say a word,
And you know exactly what I mean.
In the darkest times,
You shine on me.
You set me free.
And keep me steady as we go.

So if your heart rings dry my love,
I will fill your cup.
And if your load gets heavy girl,
I will lift you up.

Troubles they may come and go,
But good times be the gold.
So if this road gets rocky girl,
Just steady as we go.

"If I Should Fall Behind" 

Bruce Springsteen

We said we'd walk together, baby, come what may
That come the twilight should we lose our way
If as we're walkin' a hand should slip free
I'll wait for you
And should I fall behind
Wait for me

We swore we'd travel, darlin', side by side
We'd help each other stay in stride
But each lovers' steps fall so differently
But I'll wait for you
And if I should fall behind
Wait for me

Now everyone dreams of a love lasting and true
But you and I know what this world can do
So let's make our steps clear that the other may see
And I'll wait for you
If I should fall behind
Wait for me

Now there's a beautiful river in the valley ahead
There 'neath the oaks bough soon we will be wed
Should we lose each other in the shadow of the evening trees
I'll wait for you
And should I fall behind
Wait for me

 Darlin,' I'll wait for you, and should I fall behind, wait for me

I love you, The Daddy!  We love you, baby girl!

Love,
The Mommy

The dark days.

Dear Bex,

This post is going to be really hard for Mommy to write. It is something I'm not proud of, but something that I could not control.

In the days after a baby is born, it is normal for mommies to feel overwhelmed and very emotional.  Normally that subsides within a few weeks, but with Mommy, it didn't.  For some reason I stayed very overwhelmed, very emotional, and very anxious.

I can look back and pin it to the cholestasis which led to the emergency induction a week early, or to the spinal headache which had me laying in bed for five days after you were born, unless I was trying to breastfeed you - something I so wanted to do so very much, but which required me to sit up which gave me a horrendous headache, and therefore made me dread doing so.  I can pin it to you not getting enough milk from me and being so hungry that you cried, or to you not being able to fall asleep and crying even more because of me drinking Mountain Dew since caffeine was supposed to help my headaches.  I can attribute it to having to get another epidural in order to fix that problem, and the terror I had going through that process.  But none of it matters, because at the end of the day, it's no one's fault and there's nothing I could have done to prevent it.

Because I didn't do anything to cause or deserve the depression that I had, I can't say that I regret it or what it did to me, but I can say that looking back on it makes me so, so, SO very sad, even now.  I was not able to take care of you.  I changed your diapers, yes, and gave you baths, and fed you, but missed out on many things during your first two months.  I was there for them - but wasn't mentally myself at all.  I wasn't the Mommy that I am now.  I couldn't make myself sing to you, or do voices for you, or just generally be the kind of Mommy that I knew I could, and wanted to, be.

Luckily, I knew that something was wrong quite quickly, and so did the Daddy and my family and friends.  They all came to visit and knew that something was wrong.  I was so completely the polar opposite of how I should have been that I got help within a few weeks. I am so thankful that I did, because it made the road to getting better so much shorter, and made me know that it would get better - as little consolation as that gave me at the time.

We got more nurses to help out for the next 5 weeks - Debbie came for two weeks after Karen left.  She was not our favorite to say the least... then came Angela.  Our own Mary Poppins, she sang to you night and day, hung out with you outside and in the lobby all the time, made crazy noises and faces and you LOVED her.  You stared at her glasses all the time, especially when she would yell "CUCKOOOO!" in her high pitched voice.  She loved you too, and would pretend there were fishies in your bath, and read you so many books.   Angela helped us during the time that you were the most fussy, while we tried to figure out and fix your reflux issues.  We eventually did, right at the same time that Mommy started to feel better - and when you were about nine weeks old, we finally hit our stride together and it was magical.  But more about that next time...

I love you, baby girl!

Love,
Mommy

The Trip Home

Dear Bex,

Bringing you home from the hospital was funny, scary, exhilirating, exhausting and just plain crazy! The Daddy and I couldn't believe they let us take you with us - were we ready for this?!

We got all packed up, loaded into car seats and wheelchairs, and had The Daddy get the car. He quickly parked it in a fire zone, a big no-no, but one we figured would be okay as we were ready to go.  He came up to get us and DING DING DING goes the fire alarm! All of the doors closed automatically and we were locked in the maternity ward with nowhere to go.  Fire engines came, and our car was still in the fire zone! This made it a HUGE no-no!  Luckily the alarms finally stopped, they let us go, and we didn't get in too much trouble about the car.

The Daddy drove us so carefully through the streets of New York City.  I sat in the back with you, taking pictures of him driving and making sure you were okay.  You fussed a bit, but looking back I'm fairly certain that's because we had you in a onesie, an outfit, a big snowsuit, and buckled into your snuggly car seat while in the car with the heat on! It was January - we didn't want you to be cold!

Once we were inside, your Great Grandmother (aka GG) and Aunt Judy were there to greet you, along with Grandma and Grumpa and Mimi and PopPop.  It was a big homecoming! 

We all stared at you, made sure you were comfortable and happy, and began to open the many gifts that you had received already.  It was a whirlwind of a day, and then we met Karen - she was the first nurse that was with us for about three weeks.  I spent so much time with her, because at that time you were so little that you needed to eat all the time, and it took you forever to do so!  We would feed you every 2 - 2 1/2 hours, and it took about an hour, between the feeding and the constant burping.  I was constantly in the glider in your room, at all hours!  

Karen was with us when we tried our hardest to breastfeed, when Mommy had to go back to the hospital for a blood patch to fix her spinal headache once and for all, and to teach us all about how to care for a newborn.  She gave you your first bath, was your first roommate and our savior those first few weeks and we absolutely loved her! 

This is one of my favorite pictures from the first day or two at home - it's what we used on your birth announcements, your thank you notes, and if you look closely, there's Karen's finger in the bottom corner!

I love you, baby girl!

Love,

Mommy

The Hospital Stay

Dear Bex,

The first few days after you were born are a bit of a blur to me. There were so many visitors to the hospital on Saturday, it was like a rotating door - from all of your grandparents, Lulu, Eric, Marcelo, Nicole, Michelle, Alexis, your cousin Amanda, and tons of Mommy and Daddy's friends - Denae, Lauren and Don, Ruth and Dave, Drew and Gabby, Meredith, Dorothy and Jeremy (who were visiting their niece, Emerson, down the hall! Mommy and Emerson's mommy had joked for about six months that we'd have the babies on the same day, and we did! It was funny, especially because Mommy's boss is Emerson's grandfather, so he was at the hospital too! Luckily Mommy likes him and didn't mind!), Jon and Tracy, and Mimi and PopPop's friends Randye and Harris... it was great to see them all, and have them meet you on your first day of life!

 

 

But I didn't get to hang out with any of them too much. I had a terrible headache because the doctors messed something up while giving me my epidural.  It was the worst headache I've ever had in my life, constantly. I couldn't sit up without it hurting, so I spent most of the time laying flat in bed. I was so sad about it too, because it took away from my being able to enjoy you - and all I wanted to do was hold you, stare at you, feed you and cuddle you.  You were so captivating from that first moment I laid eyes on you, Rebecca, and I wish so much that those few days in the hospital, and the first few at home, had been different.

But the most important thing, and what saved my sanity somewhat, was that The Daddy was unbelievably strong and jumped right in.  He changed diapers, he burped you, he swaddled you, he let you sleep on his chest (not that you gave him any choice - it was the only place you would lay comfortably! We put you in the bassinet and you were having NONE OF THAT! You would be totally asleep, and he would sloooowly creep over to the bassinet, place you ever so gently in it, and BOOM you were awake! It was remarkable!).

The Daddy was really the best, having to take care of both of us.  We both had no idea what we were doing with you, and called the nurse in more times than I can count to help us, but we made it through - and they even let us take you home on Sunday!

That morning we had a photographer come to take some pictures of us.  We got a few good ones, so I'm glad he came, but overall you were not pleased during the shoot.  We wanted cute shots of your naked tiny body laying down, but you had other plans, and just wanted to be in our arms.  As you were laying on the blanket crying, and we were trying to settle you down, I began to sing a song to you that I sang every day that you were in my belly.  I swear, you knew it - you quieted down, looked at me as I sang, and it was the most magical moment of my life. You KNEW me, and it blew my mind.  Then I looked up and saw Mimi crying, and I started to cry, and it was just such a perfectly emotional moment that I will always remember (and will always tear up at, as I am while writing this!)

I love lilacs and avocados, ukuleles and fireworks, Woody Allen and walking in the snow... But you've got to know that you're the love of my life You are the love of my life, you are the love of my life, you are the love of my life From the moment I first saw you the second that you were born I knew that you were the love of my life - Quite simply the love of my life

I love Lucy and pumpernickel bread, the Statue Of Liberty, standing ovations, and falling into bed... But get it through your head that you're the love of my life... You are the love of my life, you are the love of my life, you are the love of my life From the moment I first saw you the second that you were born I knew that you were the love of my life - Quite simply the love of my life

You can drive me crazy... You can drive me anywhere! Here are the keys, just do as you please. It may not always be easy... But you're the love of my life, my heart is on a runaway train... You are the love of my life through all the pleasure and pain.  

From the moment I first saw you I knew it right away... I knew that you were the love of my life. Simply the love of my life.

You are the love, the great love, of my life.

I've sung the song to you countless times since, as I feed you at night before you go to sleep, and every time I see you pause right as I start, as the tune is familiar to you and nothing makes me happier.

After the photo shoot we dressed you in your adorable going home outfit, and got ready to hit the road... but more about that next time.

I love you, baby girl!

Love,

Mommy

The Call... and The Birth!

Dear Bex,

Three or four weeks before you were supposed to arrive, I began itching like crazy.  My legs, arms, belly, head - it was unbelievable! My doctor finally took a blood test, and called me late in the afternoon on January 20th with the news that I had cholestasis.  She said it wasn't too serious, but that since I was so uncomfortable that we should induce me either that night or the next.  It was 3:00 PM, and here she was saying to come to the hospital that night at 8ish!  I was in shock - but so excited at the prospect of finally meeting you, and especially finding out who you were - were you a girl or a boy? Did you look like The Daddy or like me?

I immediately called The Daddy, Mimi and Lulu and wrapped things up at work - I know I had a meeting but I was so excited, and flustered, and barely remember what happened!  All I know is I left my office at 5 to get home, shower, finish packing and get to the hospital.

We got to the hospital around 8:30 and checked in - they started the induction that night, and told me to get some rest.

YEAH RIGHT!  I didn't sleep a wink.  The next day was a bit of a blur... I remember them telling me I wasn't as far along as I thought I was in the late morning... I remember Mimi and PopPop and Grandma and Grumpa and Lulu and Nicole and Michelle being there... I remember finally getting some rest after they gave me an epidural... I remember getting frustrated that things were taking so long and asking if it was time for a c-section and the doctor telling me I was overreacting or something and not liking her very much... I remember when they broke my water... but most of all I remember when they told me I was finally ready to push, and knowing that I would finally meet you!

I pushed for not even half an hour. I put everything I had into those pushes and finally at 10:11 PM on January 21st, 2011 heard the doctor say that you were a girl as they rushed to clear out your passageways so we could hear your voice and cries for the first time, something that absolutely brought me to tears.  The Daddy followed you with our camera as they took your footprints, cleaned you up and made sure you were okay.

You were perfect.

They finally brought you over to me and meeting you was incredible.  You were blowing tons of spit bubbles with your mouth, and were the most perfect, beautiful newborn baby in the world. I just kept marveling at you, the fact that you were in my arms after all of those months in my belly - you were the one who had been kicking and hiccuping and moving inside of me! It was so amazing to finally meet you.

I let The Daddy hold you finally and took one of my favorite pictures ever.

Then - he got to tell the family who had been waiting all day (and really, for months and months!) that you were here!

While I was in bed I heard their cheers as he let them know that you were a girl, and that all was well.  They had made friends in the waiting room who cheered with them, and they could not wait to come see you.  It was Grandma's birthday too - you'll be a tough present to top, Rebecca!!  And it was also your great grandmother's birthday, though she is no longer with us.  That they had the same birthday was a coincidence I always found funny for The Daddy and I to have,  and one that ended up being so significant in our lives later.

They eventually rushed down the hall, and got to hold you for the first time - there wasn't a dry eye in the house.  And I finally got to tell them your name! Our little Rebecca Ellie, named after her great-grandfather Ralph and her two great-grandmothers, Elaine and Esther, and her great-great-aunt Ely.

What an amazing day and a half, from when we got The Call to when you arrived - I will never ever forget it.

I love you, baby girl!
Love,
Mommy