Catching us up to now...

Dear Bex,

The maternity leave brings us up to when you were almost five months old... you were just getting on to your hands and knees and rocking back and forth, thinking about crawling.  You were napping three times a day, and just beginning to try solid foods like apples and bananas. You were a happy go lucky girl, who at six months would smile all the time and laugh - though not always like this!
Today, on The Daddy and my third anniversary, you are one week away from being eight months old.  You are an amazing, inquisitive, smiley, crawling machine. (Which you started doing the day after you turned seven months old, and the day before you cut your first tooth.) You pull yourself up on anything and everything - couches, the TV stand, us! You eat everything - peaches, pears, berries, peas, green beans, turkey, chicken... and we've just started experimenting with things for you to chew and suck on, like yogurt melts and puffs.  You also eat the foam tiles on our floor, all of your toys and other peoples, paper, books and anything you can get your mouth on! I like to think it's just because of your teething - was I right?!

You squeal with delight when The Daddy roughhouses with you and tosses you in the air, and when we flop you down on the bed and kiss your belly over and over.  You love when one of us walks into a room and leave whatever you are doing to crawl over to us.  You are the hit of all your playdates, as the oldest of all of The Mommy's friends' babies - they love seeing what they're about to get into next! You have hung out with Neve Aviv, Rylan Filiberti, Josie Pontelandolfo and Max and Lilly Silberman.You have Skyped with Sadie Whipple in London, and had a big cousins sleepover with Amanda and Ryan too!

We just took our first big family vacation to Georgia at the end of last month.  We flew out a night early because of Hurricane Irene, which gave me less time to freak out about taking you away, which is probably a good thing! Don't worry, I still managed to totally overpack your clothes, bathing suits and definitely toys!  But you were a champ the entire trip.  You were great on the plane down, sleeping on my chest until the last half hour when you woke up and smiled at everyone around us and played quietly.  You slept amazingly every night in your travel crib, loved being in the pool either in your float or carried by The Daddy or me.  You loved going in the ocean with The Daddy, whose greatest happiness was taking you in! I thought it was a bit too deep, but he knew he was alright, of course.  He'd never put you in danger, which I know, but it still raised my blood pressure just a bit! You came out for dinner with us every night, playing in your high chair and sometimes even acting better than the bigger kids did!  We were so nervous to go away with you, to see how you would do without your familiar surroundings and routine, but you were a dream baby, and it was an amazing trip.  I loved having you bond with your cousins and the whole family, and of  course Mimi and PopPop too.  I also loved having you to ourselves for a whole week straight, with no work distractions or plans! It is something I will look forward to every year.

 

 

I love you, baby girl!

Love,
Mommy

The Maternity Leave

Dear Bex,

From January 21 until June 14, you and I were a team.  You were my full time job and made me work hard!  We spent just about all day, every day together once Angela the nurse left towards the end of March.  Some things that I remember from those months:

• We spent most of our time in this position on the couch playing, eating, resting...
• You loved napping in your swing, but it had to be done exactly right, or otherwise you wouldn't fall asleep.  This entailed: cranking it up to the highest level of swinging, turning on the bird noise mode, turning on the ceiling fan in the living room, and me washing bottles at the same time. And giving you something to cuddle with.  I swear, this was all necessary! 
  I did it every day, 1-2 hours after you woke up, as it pretty much guaranteed me a 2 hour window.  I could shower then, or cook, or eat, or clean, but mostly I slept too!!
• You had a ROCKING mohawk.  No matter how hard we tried, we could not make it go down! 
  In fact, Daddy liked to make it as high as possible.
  
• My favorite thing was giving you bottles.  You would softly hum while eating, the cutest little noise in the world, that would pause when you swallowed.  It was absolutely adorable.  My least favorite thing was a tie between burping you, which could take forever, and you getting the hiccups, which happened so often! I dreaded that so much, because there was nothing that could stop it.  We started giving you rice cereal and oatmeal at 4 1/2 months.  You took to it fairly quickly and easily, and soon we added fruits to the mix for your breakfast, and then eventually a vegetable as a later meal.
• We went to the amazing new mom's group at the Hoboken University Medical Center which changed my life - it showed me that every single new mother was in the same boat I was! It was a fabulous way to meet other new mothers too, and everyone sat in a circle with their babies peeing, pooping, breastfeeding, spitting up... it was heaven.  We luckily had Camille and Brendan to join us so we didn't have to sit alone in the beginning, and everyone was so nice and welcoming, and would have a big group lunch out together afterwards. I loved going even when you were a bit older, so that my advice could help out some of the newer moms.                                                                        It was so amazing to look at them and see where I had been a few weeks before, and be the knowledgeable one!
• We started taking classes when you were about 8 weeks old.   Itsy Bitsy Yoga was first, then Music Together - and you couldn't have cared less about either!! The timing was always just a bit off for you, either it was time to eat, or sleep, or you had just eaten, or pooped -without fail, at every single class, we were doing our own thing.                           
• I met a great group of girls in the classes.  They had been at the hospital group a few times too, but I really became friends with them through yoga and music.  We would do lunches out with them after classes, another thing that you never quite fell in love with! The other babies would play content in their strollers as their mothers lazily ate their food, and there you were screaming in your stroller so that I had to take you out and eat with one hand while swaying! Eventually you got the hang of it, and would give me some time to eat - thanks for that! We would have playdates together often too, in parks or at people's apartments.                                                                                                    And we still meet up now on my days off.      
• We walked every inch of Hoboken - up and down Washington Street, in and out of stores, up and down the waterfront, visited every park - you name it, we did it!
• I relished the moment that The Daddy would walk through the door - not only was I exhausted, but I loved seeing him interact with you, and at this time you were pretty much always still asleep when he left for work, leaving a short window in the weekdays for him to be with you. He was always so upset if he missed your bedtime, which rarely happened because he always made a point to be home in time. We even went to visit him at work one day.                                                                  Of course, all of his coworkers loved you! We stopped by to see GG on the way home too.
• We took road trips to Westchester every so often, so you could play with your cousin, Ryan.  Mimi would come to Hoboken once or twice a week, and so would Grandma Helen, to get to know you better.  They loved seeing how much you changed week to week - something that was only apparent to me when someone else pointed it out, because I was with you so much!
• We had tons of other visitors and playdates - friends, family, co-workers, other babies, pregnant people - it was a time with nothing planned, but so much that went on!
• We went to the doctor monthly at that point, and would guess how much we thought you weighed prior to every visit.  You were always a healthy weight, that's for sure!!
• I loved dressing you each morning.  I would pick out the cutest outfits depending on what we were doing or who we were seeing, making sure that everyone got to see all the cutest outfits at least once!
• I would bathe you every other morning next to the kitchen sink in your little bathtub, something that you grew to love. You would kick and splash the whole time!  You hated getting out of the tub though - being dried off and getting dressed was (and still is) your least favorite part of the routine!
• Right before I went back to work, we had a long Memorial Day Weekend with my family - traditionally a weekend away, we went to the Short Hills Hilton.  Very random, but nice, with a pool and everyone together.  Mommy and The Daddy had a wedding to go to so we left you with the family.  We got word that you were not sleeping well, and when we got back, you were up.  You woke up every hour, and finally we felt that you were raging hot with a fever.  I was terrified, and The Daddy instantly said we were taking you to the hospital, and we did.  You were so tiny, in the little pink hospital gown, and burning up.  They did some blood tests and urine tests, and I was so scared that something was wrong with you, but they just gave you Tylenol and let us sleep there and sent you home.  You were under the weather and not yourself for the next couple of days, but got better quickly.  That one experience made me want to shield you from pain and illness forever!! It broke my heart having to see you not well, and I hope that there is a minimal amount of that in your future...

I loved my time off - I loved our time together - and I love that I took the extra time that I needed to be okay with what happened during the Dark Days and all that I missed out on.  I loved that it was just the two of us, and that I fed you, changed you and tended to your every need on those days.  No one knew you better than I did those last few weeks I was off, Baby Girl, and that felt amazing to me.  I could preempt any feeling you'd have. I knew when you'd be hungry, tired, cold, hot or even going to the bathroom! 

I was not looking forward to going back to work in June, even when I found Dina and knew that she was perfect for us. And she is! She shows up at our house every morning and you light up - she is constantly singing to you, dancing with you, talking to you, and delighting in your every move, noise and milestone. She keeps you, me and our house in order and has made me working as painless as it could be.  No, I was not looking forward to going back, to having to work, to spending time without you and away from Hoboken, the things we did together and the people I met during maternity leave who I learned so much from....  But it has been the best thing for me.  I thrive on work and the people that I work with. I come home every night totally refreshed and ready to be a supermom for you, as opposed to being drained by the end of the day. I savor Fridays, when we're alone together, and it feels like I fall in love with you all over again every week.  And I live for the weekends when we're a family, all three of us together.

                 

I love you baby girl!

Love always,

Mommy

For the Daddy

Dear Bex,

OK, so writing about "The Dark Days" made me think about just how amazing The Daddy was during that time. Everything that I was unable to give you, he could.  He had patience, he was overflowing with love, and was incredible with you.  He was in such a tough position, having to take care of you and me at the same time, and deal with one of the busiest times he ever had at work - and he was a rock star.  I always knew that he'd be an amazing husband and daddy, and that whatever facade he put on about being a tough guy was just that - but those Dark Days proved that even my own inkling of how he would be was a complete underestimation.

We used to send each other lyrics all the time when we were dating.  They would describe our relationship and the love we had for each other, and they talked of helping each other through dark times.  We had some of what we thought were tough times before - deaths in the family, time apart, etc. But the Dark Days put everything in perspective, at least for me, and I mean these lyrics 100,000,000 times more now.

"Steady As We Go"

Dave Matthews Band 

I walk half way around the world,
Just to sit down by your side.
And I would do most anything girl,
To be the apple of your eye.

Troubles they may come and go,
But good times they are the gold.
And if this road gets rocky girl,
Just steady as we go.

Any place you wanna go,
Know I'll be next to you.
If it's treasure baby you're looking for,
I'll search the whole world through.

Know troubles they may come and go,
But good times they're the gold.
So if the road gets rocky girl,
Just steady as we go.

When the storm comes,
You shelter me.
And I don't say a word,
And you know exactly what I mean.
In the darkest times,
You shine on me.
You set me free.
And keep me steady as we go.

So if your heart rings dry my love,
I will fill your cup.
And if your load gets heavy girl,
I will lift you up.

Troubles they may come and go,
But good times be the gold.
So if this road gets rocky girl,
Just steady as we go.

"If I Should Fall Behind" 

Bruce Springsteen

We said we'd walk together, baby, come what may
That come the twilight should we lose our way
If as we're walkin' a hand should slip free
I'll wait for you
And should I fall behind
Wait for me

We swore we'd travel, darlin', side by side
We'd help each other stay in stride
But each lovers' steps fall so differently
But I'll wait for you
And if I should fall behind
Wait for me

Now everyone dreams of a love lasting and true
But you and I know what this world can do
So let's make our steps clear that the other may see
And I'll wait for you
If I should fall behind
Wait for me

Now there's a beautiful river in the valley ahead
There 'neath the oaks bough soon we will be wed
Should we lose each other in the shadow of the evening trees
I'll wait for you
And should I fall behind
Wait for me

 Darlin,' I'll wait for you, and should I fall behind, wait for me

I love you, The Daddy!  We love you, baby girl!

Love,
The Mommy

The dark days.

Dear Bex,

This post is going to be really hard for Mommy to write. It is something I'm not proud of, but something that I could not control.

In the days after a baby is born, it is normal for mommies to feel overwhelmed and very emotional.  Normally that subsides within a few weeks, but with Mommy, it didn't.  For some reason I stayed very overwhelmed, very emotional, and very anxious.

I can look back and pin it to the cholestasis which led to the emergency induction a week early, or to the spinal headache which had me laying in bed for five days after you were born, unless I was trying to breastfeed you - something I so wanted to do so very much, but which required me to sit up which gave me a horrendous headache, and therefore made me dread doing so.  I can pin it to you not getting enough milk from me and being so hungry that you cried, or to you not being able to fall asleep and crying even more because of me drinking Mountain Dew since caffeine was supposed to help my headaches.  I can attribute it to having to get another epidural in order to fix that problem, and the terror I had going through that process.  But none of it matters, because at the end of the day, it's no one's fault and there's nothing I could have done to prevent it.

Because I didn't do anything to cause or deserve the depression that I had, I can't say that I regret it or what it did to me, but I can say that looking back on it makes me so, so, SO very sad, even now.  I was not able to take care of you.  I changed your diapers, yes, and gave you baths, and fed you, but missed out on many things during your first two months.  I was there for them - but wasn't mentally myself at all.  I wasn't the Mommy that I am now.  I couldn't make myself sing to you, or do voices for you, or just generally be the kind of Mommy that I knew I could, and wanted to, be.

Luckily, I knew that something was wrong quite quickly, and so did the Daddy and my family and friends.  They all came to visit and knew that something was wrong.  I was so completely the polar opposite of how I should have been that I got help within a few weeks. I am so thankful that I did, because it made the road to getting better so much shorter, and made me know that it would get better - as little consolation as that gave me at the time.

We got more nurses to help out for the next 5 weeks - Debbie came for two weeks after Karen left.  She was not our favorite to say the least... then came Angela.  Our own Mary Poppins, she sang to you night and day, hung out with you outside and in the lobby all the time, made crazy noises and faces and you LOVED her.  You stared at her glasses all the time, especially when she would yell "CUCKOOOO!" in her high pitched voice.  She loved you too, and would pretend there were fishies in your bath, and read you so many books.   Angela helped us during the time that you were the most fussy, while we tried to figure out and fix your reflux issues.  We eventually did, right at the same time that Mommy started to feel better - and when you were about nine weeks old, we finally hit our stride together and it was magical.  But more about that next time...

I love you, baby girl!

Love,
Mommy

The Trip Home

Dear Bex,

Bringing you home from the hospital was funny, scary, exhilirating, exhausting and just plain crazy! The Daddy and I couldn't believe they let us take you with us - were we ready for this?!

We got all packed up, loaded into car seats and wheelchairs, and had The Daddy get the car. He quickly parked it in a fire zone, a big no-no, but one we figured would be okay as we were ready to go.  He came up to get us and DING DING DING goes the fire alarm! All of the doors closed automatically and we were locked in the maternity ward with nowhere to go.  Fire engines came, and our car was still in the fire zone! This made it a HUGE no-no!  Luckily the alarms finally stopped, they let us go, and we didn't get in too much trouble about the car.

The Daddy drove us so carefully through the streets of New York City.  I sat in the back with you, taking pictures of him driving and making sure you were okay.  You fussed a bit, but looking back I'm fairly certain that's because we had you in a onesie, an outfit, a big snowsuit, and buckled into your snuggly car seat while in the car with the heat on! It was January - we didn't want you to be cold!

Once we were inside, your Great Grandmother (aka GG) and Aunt Judy were there to greet you, along with Grandma and Grumpa and Mimi and PopPop.  It was a big homecoming! 

We all stared at you, made sure you were comfortable and happy, and began to open the many gifts that you had received already.  It was a whirlwind of a day, and then we met Karen - she was the first nurse that was with us for about three weeks.  I spent so much time with her, because at that time you were so little that you needed to eat all the time, and it took you forever to do so!  We would feed you every 2 - 2 1/2 hours, and it took about an hour, between the feeding and the constant burping.  I was constantly in the glider in your room, at all hours!  

Karen was with us when we tried our hardest to breastfeed, when Mommy had to go back to the hospital for a blood patch to fix her spinal headache once and for all, and to teach us all about how to care for a newborn.  She gave you your first bath, was your first roommate and our savior those first few weeks and we absolutely loved her! 

This is one of my favorite pictures from the first day or two at home - it's what we used on your birth announcements, your thank you notes, and if you look closely, there's Karen's finger in the bottom corner!

I love you, baby girl!

Love,

Mommy